[Caitlin]

The Titkle should be:
Lifestyle Choices of the Freshwater Mussel (unionidae) in West Tennessee
http://www.spiny.com/naomi/mussels/musselpaper.pdf
This is an absolutely adorable entry from the journal of Spurious Science

You will have to visit the site to see Figures 1-4.
Overall I love this because the researchers feel the same about mussels as I do:

ABSTRACT: During many grueling years of field research, some of which was conducted in the actual outdoors, we pursued the slimy trail of the freshwater mussel (Unionidae) across the trammeled wilderness of western Tennessee. We had brief yet surprisingly poignant encounters with 10,113 individuals of twentyeight species in thirty-two ZIP Codes, and our lives were changed forever by communing with these brave bivalves whose quiet dignity belies their wretched poverty and unsanitary living conditions. But perhaps this abstract is becoming a little too abstract; we apologize. We seem to have developed a crippling inability to relate to H. sapiens. To summarize for the impatient, most of whom have skipped to the results section by now, we found a clear correlation between local environmental factors (i.e., water temperature, pollution levels and irritable cottonmouths) and the presence or absence of mussels.

The freshwater mussel fauna of the United
States is among the richest in the world (Money
Magazine, 2001). The noble class Bivalvia first
arrived on this planet 300 million years ago, give
or take an epoch, and they were doing just fine,
thank you very much, until you showed up.
Because of the greedy, cruel, selfish and essentially
vile nature of human beings (Bible, ca 1600
BCE—90 CE), this century has witnessed a steep
decline in freshwater mussel populations. Human
attitudes toward mussels are largely either negative
(Shakespeare, 1610-11), for which we may thank
the divine injunction against aquatic biota that
lack fins and scales (Bible, ca 1405 BCE), or
purely culinary, for which we may thank legions
of hungry heretics whose names have been,
rightfully, cleansed from the history books.
Our research is an ongoing attempt to
speak for the shellfish who have been silenced, t o
stand up for those who lack legs of their own, t o
help the mussels tell their heartbreaking story in
their own burbles (Lofting, 1922). It is in pursuit
of these simple goals that we find our purpose in
life (Spurge, 2003). The bulk of our research is
elsewhere described, in the scientifically incisive
yet heartwarming film, It’s a Wonderful Mollusc!
(rated PG-13 for profanity and casual sex), but we
also recorded a number of peripheral observations
on the attitudes and lifestyles of our tiny subjects.
These observations we now share with the world in
the fervent hope that our work will shed the pure
light of selfless science upon the shadowy suffering
of shellfish (Poetry Techniques, 2002).
MATERIALS AND METHODS
In order to stalk, capture and identify the
wily and elusive freshwater mussel, we employed a
cornucopia of sampling methods (Smith, 1994).
First we tried luring our prey with gravy-soaked
biscuit crumbs and aromatic bits of fruit peel,
which we placed at the water’s edge atop a small
red-checkered tablecloth. This method proved
uniformly disappointing, as the frenetic pace of
scavenging ants and beetles set an impossible
standard of competition. We moved on to an
escalating series of mussel snares that ranged from
simple (tiny string noose) to complex (tiny
mechanical “girly mussel,” gaping slightly, waving
plump superconglutinate in provocative manner).
All of these seemingly foolproof traps ultimately
failed to capture any mussels, for a variety of
reasons that we are unable to think about without
feeling very silly (Horst, 1999).
Finally, in sheer desperation, we resorted
to a technique that we had earlier rejected as
“primitive and undignified” (ADG, pers. comm.)
and “Yeah, um, I don’t THINK so!” (TV, pers.
comm.). To be brutally frank, we groped for
mussels, and most of them seemed to enjoy it.
This technique is best illustrated by the condition
of our garments at the end of a day’s work:
sopping wet, permanently soiled with muck and
botanical effluvia, and generally gross-o-rama. At
one point we attempted to calculate the total mass
of filthy socks we discarded on roadsides during the
course of our research, but were daunted by the
complexity of the equation (Guo, 1999).
Our materials consisted of endless changes
of clothing (we later realized that nudity would
have been more economical) and little waterproof
notebooks in which we doodled potential designs
for mussel-related tattoos whenever we got bored.
We used a handheld GPS receiver to identify the
precise locations of our sampling areas, except
when the secret spy satellites were blocked by the
alien space rays (Southern Baptist Reader, 2001).
We also verified beyond all doubt the healing
powers of chocolate and cheese (Pansy, 2001)

[Caitlin]

Mussel article cont:

RESULTS AND DISCUSSION

Our results were statistically significant
(Bulger, 1992) and somewhat surprising (Schmeerl,
1967). Through our intimate contact with 10,113
individual mussels of twenty-eight species in
thirty-two ZIP codes, we formulated a multi-part
hypothesis regarding the habitat and lifestyle
choices of these enigmatic beasts. At first it may
appear that our hypothesis is based on wild
conjecture, but we promise that all of the really
important bits are firmly grounded in accurate
field observations and totally objective facts
(Custer, 1867).
Most of the mussels we studied exhibited a
strong preference for stable and relatively
unpolluted aquatic habitat, with a notable
exception being

Utterbackia imbecillis which was
found to survive and even thrive in such
inhospitable habitats as exposed sand bars, drying
puddles, and treetops. Fortunately for us, given our
obsessive Calvinistic need to divide the natural
world into tidy and predictable categories, the
other species we studied were more tractable and
quickly learned to play by the rules (Gazpacho,
1999). Our research shows distinct trends of
behavior among these “good” mussels as follows.
Trend 1: Mussels prefer to live in habitat that is
free of leeches, snapping turtles and excessively
active fish; mussels are never found in areas
frequented by poisonous snakes (Fig. 1). This last
“cottonmouth effect” is evidenced by the sharp
drop we noted in the numbers of mussels collected
in the vicinity of Agkistrodon piscivorus.
Trend 2: Mussels are highly influenced in their
habitat choices by seasonal temperature changes,
preferring air and water temperatures roughly
equivalent to those preferred by the average
human (Brody, 1974). Our data show that mussels
actively seek comfortable temperatures by moving
to the sunnier side of the river in cold weather and
moving to the shadier side in hot weather (Fig. 2).
When the weather is intermediate such trends
become less clear, with some mussels (usually
younger males) moving to shady areas, and others
(usually older females) opting for sunny areas.
Trend 3: Mussels exhibit avoidance behaviors
during inclement weather. When a light rain
shower begins, mussels undertake a rapid migration
toward the deepest portion of the sampling area,
quickly moving out of reach of all but the most
long-armed researchers (Cabbage, 1982). By the
time a light rain shower turns into a thunderstorm,
the local mussel populations have effectively
disappeared (Fig. 3). At such times, we have found
it best to seek hot showers and microbrews until
the mussels choose to return to the surface. In a
similar behavior not yet observed by us personally,
it has been reliably reported that mussels in colder
climates often migrate southward in wintertime by
clinging to the backs of geese (Old man who lives
under bridge, pers. comm., 2001).
Trend 4: Mussels prefer to live in pristine,
unpolluted water (Fig. 4) within five miles of a
park, library, grocery store, and movie theater
(Uvula, 1999). Mussels are seldom found
immediately downstream of industrial or municipal
wastewater outfall pipes. Our data also indicate
that mussels have the ability to distinguish
between types of wastewater discharges, possibly
on the basis of smell, taste, texture, or official
signage. For example, we found that large numbers
of mussels will inhabit the area immediately
downstream from the cooling water outfall for a
chocolate factory, but mussels are seldom found in
conjunction with the “chunky style” wastewater
discharge of a large metropolis (Juniper, 1996).
Mussels are never found immediately downstream
from hog and chicken farms, metal-plating
facilities or nuclear reactors (Jerkins, 2000).
After taking a few minutes to analyze the
clear trends outlined above (Klezmer, 1954), we
reached the conclusion that freshwater mussels are
capable of making complex choices regarding
habitat and lifestyle (Cornball, 1997). Until now
many scientists and normal people have assumed
that mussels are without intelligence, free will, or
emotional baggage, but we trust that our findings
will open such closed minds to a pearly dawn of
new understanding and empathy for this most
maligned and neglected of creatures, this tiny glob
of dirty mucus in a calcium-based casket, this shy
voluptuous beauty with whom we have shared so
many hours of silent, yet deeply passionate, joy.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We wish to thank the many bivalves who helped
to make our research possible, except for

U.
imbecillis which was not as helpful as it could have
been. We thank the legions of former and current
employees of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers,
the U.S. Soil Conservation Service, and the West
Tennessee Basin Authority for ensuring that most
of the rivers and creeks in our region have been
permanently stripped of their natural meanders,
woody debris, riparian vegetation and freshwater
mussels, thus greatly reducing our sampling
obligations. We thank the five anonymous
reviewers who told us that our manuscript was a
delusional piece of crap, because we know they
were just kidding (Vito, 2002). Ha ha! Finally, and
most importantly, thanks to Doctor Dolittle for
solving the Shellfish Riddle and teaching us the
importance of being a Good Noticer.

[Caitlin]

And of course, the proper citations:

LITERATURE CITED

Bible, The Holy. Circa 1600 BCE – 586 CE,
Genesis 6:5, Job 5:7, Lamentations 5:7.
Various locations in the Middle East.
——— Circa 1405 BCE. Leviticus 11:10-12.
General vicinity of Mt. Sinai, Egypt.
Brody, N. 1974. Meet Bob & Darla, the Average
Humans. Hot Buttered Books, Des Moines
(Out of Print).
Bulger, P.K. 1992. Statistics: Are they significant?
J. of Num. Hokum. 23:4-5.
Cabbage, H. 1982. You’ll Never Escape the Long
Arm of the Malacologist. Wild West
Books, New York City.
Cornball, T.R. 1997. How to make any old
hypothesis sound plausible: what every
slacker scientist needs to know. J. of
Decept. Rhet. Techniques. 99:1-300.
Custer, G.A. 1867. Blending truth and lies, and
other useful tactics for the egotistical
sociopath. Popular Psychosis, 12:90-128.
Gazpacho, W. 1999. Beating Mother Nature Into
Submission: God’s Plan for the Planet.
Alpha-Omega Press, Salt Lake City.
Guo Chun Wen. 1999. Linear and Nonlinear
Parabolic Complex Equations. Peking
University, China.
Horst, W. 1999. The effects of alcohol on field
researchers: how much is too much? J. of
Ineb. Biol. 2:9.
Jerkins, P.K. 2000. Liberal Media Lies: Why
radioactive manure was given a bad rap.
Pontotoc Rebel-Sentinel Weekly, 10:1.
Juniper, J.C. 1996. Female Whistles and Animal
Balloons: A Layperson’s Guide to Poorly
Treated Sewage. Urban Hobbyist Books,
Cleveland.
Klezmer, B.B. 1954. Helpful Tips to Get Your
Own Way: Nobody will dare to question
your ludicrous statements if you use big
words and act really confident. Good
Housekeeping, 7:12.
Lofting, H. 1922. The Voyages of Doctor
Dolittle. Part One, Chapter VII: Shellfish
Talk; Part Four, Chapter I: Shellfish Talk
Again; Part Six, Chapter V: The Shellfish
Riddle Solved At Last.
Money Magazine. 2001. Mussel Moguls, Bivalve
Billionaires. 2:10-19.
Old man who lives under bridge. Personal comm.
04-01-01.
Pansy, R.M. 2001. Who Moved My Cheese and
Chocolate? Random Souse, New York.
Poetry Techniques. 2002. All About Alliteration.
4:44.
Schmeerl, J.J. 1967. Surprise Your Pals With
Science! Bug Brain Press, Gainesville.
Shakespeare, W. 1610-11. The Tempest. Act I,
Scene 2, Lines 464-5.
Smith, Z. 1994. A Cornucopia of Sampling
Methods. Boringass Books, Omaha.
Southern Baptist Reader. 2001. Everything you
ever thought you knew about science is a
demonic un-American godless pagan
treehugger feminazi communist fiction
created by an unholy alliance between the
United Nations, public television, and the
little green men from outer space. 6:66.
Spurge, C. 2003. Simple Goals For Simple People.
Self-published, Tupelo.
Uvula, T.H. 1999. Trends in the recreational and
spending habits of the North American
shellfish population. Demographics On
Demand Inc., Reykjavik.
Vito, That’s Mister Vito To You. 2002. Yeah,
youse guys think it’s so **** funny,
picking on the geeks and freaks, huh?
Well, it ain’t so **** funny now, is it?
You thought the review process was
anonymous? Nothin’s anonymous to Vito.
Yeah, you think this hurts, what I’m doing
now, huh? You don’t know what hurt is.
I’ll show you hurt. Youse guys seen one-a
these before? Yeah, that’s right, it’s a
bikini-waxing kit. Stop that crying. Youse
guys better say you’re sorry you picked on
those kids. Someday they’ll be driving
Porsches and you’ll still be cleaning
toilets. Yeah, Vito’s gonna make sure of
that. From now on, you fart in this town,
Vito hears about it. Now get outta here.
God**** crybabies.

ERRATA

The authors are available for awards ceremonies,
lavish dinner parties in their honor, or for any
social function that includes free alcohol. Contact
the authors via their amanuensis and factotum,
Naomi Van Tol (naomi@spiny.com).

© Journal of Spurious Science, 2003

[Zeide Erskine]

Hi Caitlin,

I admit that was not the rigorous part of the study, but short of the near disqualifying oversight of not mentioning the role of champagne in freshwater mussel research particularly on summer evenings including sharing said beverage with said bivalves by preparing them a hot bath of it spiced with healing herbs like freshly crushed garlic and chopped parsley and subsequent devouring of said bivalves, it was a rather pleasant read.

Zeide