[Caitlin]

And of course, the proper citations:

LITERATURE CITED

Bible, The Holy. Circa 1600 BCE – 586 CE,
Genesis 6:5, Job 5:7, Lamentations 5:7.
Various locations in the Middle East.
——— Circa 1405 BCE. Leviticus 11:10-12.
General vicinity of Mt. Sinai, Egypt.
Brody, N. 1974. Meet Bob & Darla, the Average
Humans. Hot Buttered Books, Des Moines
(Out of Print).
Bulger, P.K. 1992. Statistics: Are they significant?
J. of Num. Hokum. 23:4-5.
Cabbage, H. 1982. You’ll Never Escape the Long
Arm of the Malacologist. Wild West
Books, New York City.
Cornball, T.R. 1997. How to make any old
hypothesis sound plausible: what every
slacker scientist needs to know. J. of
Decept. Rhet. Techniques. 99:1-300.
Custer, G.A. 1867. Blending truth and lies, and
other useful tactics for the egotistical
sociopath. Popular Psychosis, 12:90-128.
Gazpacho, W. 1999. Beating Mother Nature Into
Submission: God’s Plan for the Planet.
Alpha-Omega Press, Salt Lake City.
Guo Chun Wen. 1999. Linear and Nonlinear
Parabolic Complex Equations. Peking
University, China.
Horst, W. 1999. The effects of alcohol on field
researchers: how much is too much? J. of
Ineb. Biol. 2:9.
Jerkins, P.K. 2000. Liberal Media Lies: Why
radioactive manure was given a bad rap.
Pontotoc Rebel-Sentinel Weekly, 10:1.
Juniper, J.C. 1996. Female Whistles and Animal
Balloons: A Layperson’s Guide to Poorly
Treated Sewage. Urban Hobbyist Books,
Cleveland.
Klezmer, B.B. 1954. Helpful Tips to Get Your
Own Way: Nobody will dare to question
your ludicrous statements if you use big
words and act really confident. Good
Housekeeping, 7:12.
Lofting, H. 1922. The Voyages of Doctor
Dolittle. Part One, Chapter VII: Shellfish
Talk; Part Four, Chapter I: Shellfish Talk
Again; Part Six, Chapter V: The Shellfish
Riddle Solved At Last.
Money Magazine. 2001. Mussel Moguls, Bivalve
Billionaires. 2:10-19.
Old man who lives under bridge. Personal comm.
04-01-01.
Pansy, R.M. 2001. Who Moved My Cheese and
Chocolate? Random Souse, New York.
Poetry Techniques. 2002. All About Alliteration.
4:44.
Schmeerl, J.J. 1967. Surprise Your Pals With
Science! Bug Brain Press, Gainesville.
Shakespeare, W. 1610-11. The Tempest. Act I,
Scene 2, Lines 464-5.
Smith, Z. 1994. A Cornucopia of Sampling
Methods. Boringass Books, Omaha.
Southern Baptist Reader. 2001. Everything you
ever thought you knew about science is a
demonic un-American godless pagan
treehugger feminazi communist fiction
created by an unholy alliance between the
United Nations, public television, and the
little green men from outer space. 6:66.
Spurge, C. 2003. Simple Goals For Simple People.
Self-published, Tupelo.
Uvula, T.H. 1999. Trends in the recreational and
spending habits of the North American
shellfish population. Demographics On
Demand Inc., Reykjavik.
Vito, That’s Mister Vito To You. 2002. Yeah,
youse guys think it’s so **** funny,
picking on the geeks and freaks, huh?
Well, it ain’t so **** funny now, is it?
You thought the review process was
anonymous? Nothin’s anonymous to Vito.
Yeah, you think this hurts, what I’m doing
now, huh? You don’t know what hurt is.
I’ll show you hurt. Youse guys seen one-a
these before? Yeah, that’s right, it’s a
bikini-waxing kit. Stop that crying. Youse
guys better say you’re sorry you picked on
those kids. Someday they’ll be driving
Porsches and you’ll still be cleaning
toilets. Yeah, Vito’s gonna make sure of
that. From now on, you fart in this town,
Vito hears about it. Now get outta here.
God**** crybabies.

ERRATA

The authors are available for awards ceremonies,
lavish dinner parties in their honor, or for any
social function that includes free alcohol. Contact
the authors via their amanuensis and factotum,
Naomi Van Tol (naomi@spiny.com).

© Journal of Spurious Science, 2003