[Caitlin]

The Titkle should be:
Lifestyle Choices of the Freshwater Mussel (unionidae) in West Tennessee
http://www.spiny.com/naomi/mussels/musselpaper.pdf
This is an absolutely adorable entry from the journal of Spurious Science

You will have to visit the site to see Figures 1-4.
Overall I love this because the researchers feel the same about mussels as I do:

ABSTRACT: During many grueling years of field research, some of which was conducted in the actual outdoors, we pursued the slimy trail of the freshwater mussel (Unionidae) across the trammeled wilderness of western Tennessee. We had brief yet surprisingly poignant encounters with 10,113 individuals of twentyeight species in thirty-two ZIP Codes, and our lives were changed forever by communing with these brave bivalves whose quiet dignity belies their wretched poverty and unsanitary living conditions. But perhaps this abstract is becoming a little too abstract; we apologize. We seem to have developed a crippling inability to relate to H. sapiens. To summarize for the impatient, most of whom have skipped to the results section by now, we found a clear correlation between local environmental factors (i.e., water temperature, pollution levels and irritable cottonmouths) and the presence or absence of mussels.

The freshwater mussel fauna of the United
States is among the richest in the world (Money
Magazine, 2001). The noble class Bivalvia first
arrived on this planet 300 million years ago, give
or take an epoch, and they were doing just fine,
thank you very much, until you showed up.
Because of the greedy, cruel, selfish and essentially
vile nature of human beings (Bible, ca 1600
BCE—90 CE), this century has witnessed a steep
decline in freshwater mussel populations. Human
attitudes toward mussels are largely either negative
(Shakespeare, 1610-11), for which we may thank
the divine injunction against aquatic biota that
lack fins and scales (Bible, ca 1405 BCE), or
purely culinary, for which we may thank legions
of hungry heretics whose names have been,
rightfully, cleansed from the history books.
Our research is an ongoing attempt to
speak for the shellfish who have been silenced, t o
stand up for those who lack legs of their own, t o
help the mussels tell their heartbreaking story in
their own burbles (Lofting, 1922). It is in pursuit
of these simple goals that we find our purpose in
life (Spurge, 2003). The bulk of our research is
elsewhere described, in the scientifically incisive
yet heartwarming film, It’s a Wonderful Mollusc!
(rated PG-13 for profanity and casual sex), but we
also recorded a number of peripheral observations
on the attitudes and lifestyles of our tiny subjects.
These observations we now share with the world in
the fervent hope that our work will shed the pure
light of selfless science upon the shadowy suffering
of shellfish (Poetry Techniques, 2002).
MATERIALS AND METHODS
In order to stalk, capture and identify the
wily and elusive freshwater mussel, we employed a
cornucopia of sampling methods (Smith, 1994).
First we tried luring our prey with gravy-soaked
biscuit crumbs and aromatic bits of fruit peel,
which we placed at the water’s edge atop a small
red-checkered tablecloth. This method proved
uniformly disappointing, as the frenetic pace of
scavenging ants and beetles set an impossible
standard of competition. We moved on to an
escalating series of mussel snares that ranged from
simple (tiny string noose) to complex (tiny
mechanical “girly mussel,” gaping slightly, waving
plump superconglutinate in provocative manner).
All of these seemingly foolproof traps ultimately
failed to capture any mussels, for a variety of
reasons that we are unable to think about without
feeling very silly (Horst, 1999).
Finally, in sheer desperation, we resorted
to a technique that we had earlier rejected as
“primitive and undignified” (ADG, pers. comm.)
and “Yeah, um, I don’t THINK so!” (TV, pers.
comm.). To be brutally frank, we groped for
mussels, and most of them seemed to enjoy it.
This technique is best illustrated by the condition
of our garments at the end of a day’s work:
sopping wet, permanently soiled with muck and
botanical effluvia, and generally gross-o-rama. At
one point we attempted to calculate the total mass
of filthy socks we discarded on roadsides during the
course of our research, but were daunted by the
complexity of the equation (Guo, 1999).
Our materials consisted of endless changes
of clothing (we later realized that nudity would
have been more economical) and little waterproof
notebooks in which we doodled potential designs
for mussel-related tattoos whenever we got bored.
We used a handheld GPS receiver to identify the
precise locations of our sampling areas, except
when the secret spy satellites were blocked by the
alien space rays (Southern Baptist Reader, 2001).
We also verified beyond all doubt the healing
powers of chocolate and cheese (Pansy, 2001)